...life is but a dream...

hot sauce in his chili

2012-01-18T11:31:00.002-07:00

the other day i found this poem at my sister's house. the sweet author is a wise woman in devin's childhood neighborhood. i distinctly remember reading this poem and thinking about it for over and over afterward.

food for thought-by mary kay sorenson

food prepared without some spice

can be tasteless, and not caring

it doesn't hurt to spice things up

and be a little daring.

a little cloves or nutmeg in your soup

may seem quite silly

or why not try some ginger

or some cajun in your chili.

a marriage needs to have some spice

a little change and daring

a lot of thoughtfulness each day

and an awfully lot of caring

a love note hidden in his socks

may seem a little silly

but it will pay more dividends

than hot sauce in his chili

now that i have been married four years (what!) it's the daring and caring things that make marriage magical.

oh and one last quote from a marriage article in this month's ensign:

"My all-time favorite short piece of counsel on marriage came from President Gordon B. Hinckley, who shared this important key to a great marriage: “A happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion.” If you want a happy marriage, do what happily married couples do."

three cheers for marriage: the institution that has taught me the most about myself, the challenge that has stretched me the most, the blessing that has deepened any joy i had previously known.

i just want to say one thing: it is all worth it for this

2012-01-15T02:19:00.001-07:00

cope has been popping in teeth lately.

and chewing on everything in sight

and sitting up all on his own

and rolling around all over the place

and bouncing in daddy's old door hanging jumper

and being so completely adorable that our hearts could burst.

yes, this is worth anything. oh so worth it.

pictures from my beloved instagram

20 questions

2011-12-30T11:26:00.001-07:00

I normally don't do things like this, but a favorite site of mine, simplemom.net had the idea, and it looked like a good way to round up my thoughts on the year.

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year? adding copeland to our family

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened? adjusting to having copeland in our family and having my parents be gone. there isn't one single most challenging thing, it was more the sequence and timing of the challenges, so close together and so inopportune.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year? i never, in my wildest dreams, imagined myself so content, satisfied, and happy as a mother.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle? most obstacles were unexpected. being unemployed and having a husband brake his ankle were most unexpected.

5. Pick three words to describe 2011. eventful, trying, fortunate

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2011 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you). accomplished fulfilling demanding

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2011 (again, without asking). challenging, new, joyful

8. What were the best books you read this year? the book of mormon. for the first time i read it in 30 days, a little less than the time it took to translate it. it was a whole new book for me.

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships? my God, husband and new son. my parents. my sister in law. my brother. my parents in law. my friends. my coworkers and students... the usual.

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year? i am a different person than I was last January but it's hard to pin it to one thing. i'm not sure i have changed but i would hope i have learned to be more loving.

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally? i still struggle voicing my feelings always but i know i was forced to be better at sharing my feelings since there were so many.

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually? i know God let's us struggle until the exact minute that we can do it no longer, then he steps in and takes it. usually we surprise ourselves and that minute is a lot further than we expect. i have felt this so many times this past year. i know he is acutely mindful of our struggling.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically? this is a dumb question for a pregnant person, how did i not grow physically? well,after having a baby i appreciate my body. still don't eat, sleep, or exercise like i would want, but i'm appreciative.

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others? anything regarding parenting, i'm more hungry for, grateful for, and understanding about having experienced it myself. i'm more grateful for all my husband does, since i am more reliant upon him than ever before. most of my family relationships have deepened as a result of cope too.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)? meeting new people at Kirton & McConkie who were inspiring. getting out of the house to teach spunky new 9-12 year olds. getting familiarized (again) with my new little guy.

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)? remembering 200+ peoples names and faces as a receptionist at work. Keeping a gaggle of 9-12 year olds focused at a dance class. being my best self while juggling dishes, menu planning and dinner every night, and of course, laundry and other cleaning while on zero sleep.

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year? the internet. silly thing.

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year? a the time working was great, as was growing a baby, and now taking care of him.

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year? i can do hard things.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2011 for you. this is cheesy. no thanks. but 2011 has been very good.

happy new year all!

our season recap

2011-12-28T10:20:00.001-07:00

this christmas season was good. we watched miracle on 34th street, new and old. we made swedish rice pudding with a lucky almond in it. we had dear ones around us. we went to concerts and loved the excuse to get fancy. we went to church and sang those fantastic carols. we consumed amazing amounts of food. we made big love packages for family far away. we tried to recycle wrapping paper and give more handmade gifts. we left the lights low and burned candles non stop. we got a taste of the real joy of giving by having our own little one to spoil.

christmas day was wonderful. it started with a rough night. we all had tired eyes in the morning.

then there was a blow out, and cope was in a diaper for a while.

cope loved unwrapping things. and we loved giving them. i think i better understand the scripture, "If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?"

i finally got the iphone. that's my father in law in the background looking all smug for giving a gift that made me cry. yes i'm crying, and my in-laws are a dream

can't imagine life without this holiday, and without our little love bug to celebrate it.

merry christmas

2011-12-26T21:06:00.002-07:00

winter hats

2011-12-23T19:38:00.001-07:00

here we come christmas! we are all giddy here.

i hope yours is very merry.

2009

2006

1461 days of happiness

2011-12-21T09:47:00.004-07:00

that's four years. today.

where does time go?

one year ago today...

2011-12-19T22:38:00.000-07:00

...we were in bruge, belgium with russo.

getting ready to surprise family and come home for christmas.

i was pregnant.

it was such a thrilling time. we had no idea what good things were in store.

but at the moment, life was pretty. life was good.

still is.

but this time of year does make me miss belgium, just a little bit. all the good blurs out the bad and i find myself want to go back in time. i miss the magical markets with seemingly endless stalls selling trinkets, cured meat, and warm goodies. i miss the creative stringing of lights. i miss the huge town squares swarming with people unafraid to walk forever in the cold. i miss ice skating with a bunch of seven year olds and not caring. i miss ward christmas feasts after church and watching the first presidency christmas devotional for sacrament meeting. i miss our salt of the earth friends we made who taught me so much about reaching out to others. i miss the sudden blizzards, and maybe even the bone piercing temperatures. of course i miss the shopping and nutella covered waffles. there is such an urgency to explore the newness of it all that isn't present with my familiar life in utah. that is what i miss most and hope i can recreate every day.

but like i said, life is still good. thousands of times better than then.

thanking my lucky stars for that great growing experience.

a buncha pictures

2011-12-16T14:21:00.001-07:00

motherhood is the most satisfying job i've done.

look at that smile! what baby boy doesn't love airplane time?

he is definitely beefing up, cope that is.

borrowed a cousins big hat. went for a walk in st george but still had him bundled. figures.

nine glazier cousins now

thanksgiving day. i am officially balding. like mother like... son.

ahhhh. you have my heart son.

first night trying rice cereal. the face and the spoon-mustache. too good.

they gave up their christmas

2011-12-15T10:31:00.002-07:00

i watched this touching movie today. it put me in my place, it's not about having or getting this christmas.

this christmas is going to be a first for me. none of my siblings or parents will be around. grandparents and brothers just left for el salvador for christmas to be with my parents. others will be with their in-laws. i know what you're probably thinking. you're 23 now mare, and a mother, and you have dev and cope to celebrate with. time to grow up girl. true, and thank heavens i have my own little blessed family. i'm in awe of anyone who has spent christmas away from family. literally i adore you. how do you do it? i guess i'm just being forced to grow up, though not doing it very well, and still want my other family too for christmas.
i'm grateful for the more selfless example of others that helps me realize what blessings i have, what little sacrifices i make on christmas, and what more i can give.

bobble head elves

2011-12-14T09:27:00.002-07:00

during the holidays when i was growing up my mom would pull out the bobble head elves. they looked something like below, only much cuter. i think my grandmother made them for my mother.

they started out with styrofoam heads, but then a few of them broke so she had to replace them with wood heads. their pipe-cleaner bodies couldn't compete with the wood head and thus they became overly top heavy and bobbly. it's my favorite characteristic of theirs.

we would hide them all around the house and chuckle at how their heads affected their poses.

i specifically remember my brother and i making a little game of it. we would move them around everyday to try to find a better spot than the other had found. on door knobs, door frames, fireplaces, in the tree, on the stair rails-wherever-it was always a little hunt for them. it united our family, sparked some creativity, and is a magical memory of mine.

because there is nothing better than keeping family traditions, this year i ventured to make some for my sister. but my selfishness prevented me from giving them all to her and i kept some for my own little family.

i'm sad i'm so selfish, but happy i kept some. i can't wait to see what they become to our family, hiding games or not. and hope that i can do a better job of passing on traditions i love to my little ones.

woah

2011-12-12T22:56:00.001-07:00

big things are happening around here. like cope rolling over, taking longer naps, eating rice cereal, and giggling. those are big in my book. whatever book that is referring to since i haven't yet to write them in my journal. or here. wish i was a better document-er these days. i don't want to play catch up, i just want to keep living life sans blog. but i feel wierdly guilty if i do that. dumb.

but life is a good busy right now. sometimes overwhelming, but i'm grateful for it all. i shouldn't say this, cause something else will come my way, but it's starting to feel like i've finally surfaced for air, felt the sun on my skin after last year's tunnel, stopped running for my life and started leisurely walking. i'm glad for that. however long it lasts, i'm glad. my heart grows bigger and bigger each day that i spend with my new little man, and my sweetly familiar 27 year-old one too:)

our son, the camera lover. he will stare at a camera above a human any day.

fused ankle

2011-11-28T12:20:00.001-07:00

six months after shattering his ankle devin finally got his subtalar joint fused this past week. he has two screws through his joint now, and in the next little while the two bones will heal over the screws and fuse together. this is supposed to take away the pain while maintaining mobility. we are hopeful it will be a good thing in the long run.

i've always been the one in surgery. this was my first time on the other side. waiting for your loved one is no fun. gratefully i had cope to hug and squeeze. we tried to make the best of our many long hours waiting in the hospital before, during, and after the surgery...

three good ankles, one bad one.

thank heavens for modern medicine, OR rooms, pain killers, kind nurses, insurance, days off work, exceptional surgeons, amazing bodies, dinners from family, and prayers of loved ones. here's to ten quick healing weeks of crutches, knee scooters, hopping around, and three casts. you're a trooper dev.

woops

2011-11-15T11:04:00.001-07:00

we did it.

we put up our christmas tree already. sorry if you're annoyed.

last year in europe we had no holidays but christmas around this time of year. no halloween and thanksgiving to take up time. no beating around the bush-just straight to the good stuff. we also had no family to spend this time with and we had really long work weeks. so we made a memory we'll never forget.

by candlelight--since that is how our belgian friends taught us to have light at night, devin and i spent tons of hours cutting white paper into chains and snowflakes. we knew we were coming home for christmas so we didn't get a tree, but we made paper ones. my favorite part about this process was that the mindlessness involved in cutting paper freed our brains to chat about the good stuff.

now, mind you, it was no anthro display. and is nothing like this

or this.

but we had fun. and it submerged us in the spirit of the season.

i feel like a different person after having experienced such anticipation around the best holiday, christmas. so this year rolled around and i still listened to christmas music while handing out the halloween candy. but instead of feeling like i was jumping the gun, i felt like i just wanted more happiness around me. so i busted out the tree. why wait?

four years and eleven inches later

2011-11-11T21:10:00.001-07:00

babye bun. bonjour bob.

tips?

2011-11-08T09:16:00.003-07:00

i have a sick baby for the first time. coughing and slight fever (around 99.5). what to do you do?

i've got the diffuser and humidifier running. we've stayed inside all day.

when do you go to the doctor?

give me your wisdom.

why i know God hears our prayers

2011-11-07T10:02:00.000-07:00

The other day I experienced a wondrous demonstration of God's love for me, nothing shy of magical. Let me share.

Devin and I haven't been to the temple together since our little angel was born. Last week, some dear friends offered to take him while we went to God's house. Our friends are ultra busy and it meant the world to us that they would give up one of their only free days, plus we felt really comfortable leaving Cope with them. We were so excited to finally be going together-some of you may know the feeling. It's hard to get there, and I haven't had as much anticipation to go there since maybe the day I was married!

Anyway, we got there, put our things away and headed up to the chapel. I must've looked like I was hurrying to meet someone because a worker along my way told me that the group had just been escorted back to the room and invited me to go if I was with someone. I didn't know if Devin had already left in that group. I quickly got into the chapel, found him, and we debated about whether or not we should go into that session. There were people ahead of us in the chapel who were waiting for the next session, but we decided we may as well try. I was the last person to walk into the session.

We took our sweet time in the celestial room, and even lingered chatting with some people we grew up with. As I was walking back to my locker in the dressing room, I passed by a familiar face. I had to do a second-take, but on second glance and with a little bit of hesitancy, I tapped her shoulder from behind and asked, "Are you sister Young?" It sounds, and I felt, ridiculous. The second she turned around I was certain! YES it was her.

(Quick explanation: This is a pic of many mission presidents of the El Salvador mission in the mission home. Sister Young is the fifth from the left in this picture, my mother is the third from the left. I first met the Youngs through her sweet daughter who lived in our first married ward, went to high school with Devin, and is a bosom friend. Sister Young and her husband served as mission presidents in El Salvador. When the temple was dedicated this August, they made the trip down. They met up with my parents, and even took a few gifts for my folks.)

Back to the story. She instantly said my name, which I thought was sweet that she remembered. We made small talk. She asked about my parents, and I thanked her for taking things down to them at the dedication. Then she gave me a hug and said, "This is from your mother in El Salvador." I squeezed her with every ounce I had and shed a few tears. She wisely told me that while their mission will be good, it too shall pass:) I thanked her deeply for the sweet words of encouragement and she was gone.

In a daze I sat in my dressing room, the tears really rolling at this point, and thought about the tender mercies of the Lord. He led me to the temple on a certain day, when certain trusting friends offered to watch Cope, just in time to walk by a specific sister who would invite for us to attend the specific session even though there were people still waiting in the chapel for the next session, to be the last couple in the session, and stay in the celestial room just long enough to pass by Sister Young who also was led to the temple at that specific time as well ALL so the Lord could show me he loved me. Boy did I feel loved. I think it was the best gift I've received since my little boy was put in my arms--being able to hug someone who had just hugged my mother:) You see, of all the people I know, Sister Young understands our situation. She knows exactly what it is like to live in El Salvador. She knows what it is like to miss grandchildren's births. She just knows. And Heavenly Father sent her to me so that I could have a hug from someone who knows.

The tears roll easily again as I think about the beauty of it all. I can't be positive of the amount of times that I've longed to be near, hug, talk to, or see my mother in the past few months, but I know it in the thousands. God heard those longings, and for a few minutes that special day, he perfectly choreographed a meeting with the closest human on earth to my own mother. Something I very much needed, am deeply grateful for, and will never forget.

I know God hears our prayers.

nothing to say

2011-11-04T22:12:00.001-06:00

kiss for mama

2011-11-02T10:52:00.001-06:00

cope has always had a thing for his daddy. after two weeks away, the day devin came home from china cope smiled for the first time. for a little while after, he would only smile when dev did this specific silly gesture and sound, no matter how ridiculously often i tried mimicking the goofy sound. devin gives cope a bath more frequently than i do, and gets smiles endlessly. not the case with my baths.

i'm excited to see their father son bond really bloom.

in the first few months i was sure cope was gonna be a daddy's boy. he probably really is, but the other day he giggled for me and still does giggle for me. thank you son for letting mama know you love her too.

i guess i'm just interpreting something small like a first giggle, as that special mama's boy connection i so hope for. one thing is for sure, i'm glad to have another little protector around, another someone who will treat me royally like his daddy does. i can't wait to do things like scout banquets, throwing baseballs in the backyard, and shopping for mission suits (i don't like thinking about those long 2 years yet just the suit shopping). i have zero experience with merit badges, sports rules, or serving a mission-but i want to become well versed in whatever it takes to raise a righteous son.

images by. and a new little polaroid converter

made out like a bandit

2011-11-01T06:45:00.000-06:00

in honor of our belgian love, we went french last night.

French Bandits.

mostly, i wanted this costume because i think any infant costume is one million times better if it has something to go over their eyes. so cute.

we forgot his money bag below

those pictures were a rarity. most of the time cope had his mask on he looked more like this. too bad i thought it was so adorable.

we had a great party at the glaziers.

we made chocolate bowls and orange dream machine ice cream for dessert.

we were able to skype with mommer and papa.

we always let the kids trick or treat the different rooms in the house.

mommer and papa did long distance trick or treating via the computer:)

cope posed in his first cousin couch picture.

holidays are so much better with kiddos.

catch up

2011-10-31T10:11:00.004-06:00

one week in one post:

cope's first visit to temple square. the happiness of that place rubbed off on him.

sittin up for the first time alone in the bumbo. no big deal mom.

tangled up asleep.

and lastly, a halloween preview.

we missed this holiday last year. but we sure have made up for it this year. i like halloween.

hope yours is spooky.

3 months is my favorite age yet.

2011-10-25T10:16:00.002-06:00

cope smiles on a regular basis now. is slowly lengthening his sleep patterns. clasps his hands and chews on his fingers. finally passed 12 pounds after a month of plateau-ing. fits into newborn clothes still. blows out his diaper almost every morning. still dislikes tummy time. is a more efficient eater. can sit in his bumbo. snorts a lot. does his very best to hold up his large noggin. loves outside. usually is caught with expressive eyebrows going on. has less gas and spit up problems. follows our faces around the room. coos repeatedly right before he falls asleep in the car seat. loves his mobile. can almost hold a binki in on his own for longer than 30 seconds. loves being bounced around and nuzzled. started displaying the most endearing legitimate frown. grows nails like weeds.

i love everything about this age. he is still so small yet getting so big.

family pictures

2011-10-22T21:46:00.005-06:00

my practically adopted sister jenna stayed with us a few weeks ago. she is getting her masters in photography in NY. it was gunk weather the entire time she was here. on a whim we decided that we would brave the storm clouds and threw on some clothes for a shoot. lucky we matched, and even luckier that jenna could manage to get a decent shot of us.

thank you girlfriend. your a whiz and i love you.

i also love my little family.

hobblecreek canyon

2011-10-20T06:00:00.000-06:00

our sweet neighbors tipped us off to one of their secrets: hobblecreek canyon. it's just as close as provo and much less saturated. we went at dusk and froze to death. the leaves were brilliant and we decided we must do better to expose this little guy to the great outdoors. there is nothing like it. maybe a camping trip soon if we're daring.

day of firsts

2011-10-19T06:00:00.000-06:00

cope giggled for the first time last saturday. he also watched his first football game. big day.

smoothing out the wrinkles

2011-10-18T06:00:00.000-06:00

like a freshly ironed shirt, life is feeling presentable again. we are settling into our lives, and feeling ever more capable and competent. cope is turning on his smile often enough for mama to capture it on film. almost all the laundry is folded. i'm not washing breast pump accesories all the live long day. my project list is making progress. cope has learned how to fall asleep on his own and from 730-5 is asleep. devin just cancelled his china trip and i'm thrilled. it's feeling like the new normal. and the new normal is gonna be nice.

there were moments of quiet desperation, i'm sure they are not all gone yet. really hard days. or nights. times i thought this wasn't what i was cut out for. in the moment i didn't think of a specific quote to keep me going, i mostly just put one foot in front of the other and trudged through.

but this quote does come to mind as i look back retrospectively. i can still hear president eyring saying this quote. i have his voice ingrained in my head.

hard as things were yesterday, they really have gotten better today!

people always tell me it just keeps getting better. and it does.

she's home

2011-10-16T21:12:00.003-06:00

hard to believe another 18 months has gone by.

last week i saw my dear friend becca return home from her mission. she was probably the best dressed sister missionary in the world, and most prepared as well. i loved having a long distance correspondence with someone via letters. i've never been that consistent before and wouldn't trade it for the world.

the year and a half went by treacherously slow and oh so fast at the same time. 18 months ago i was still at byu. 18 months ago we were loving our new townhome in layton. 18 months ago we hadn't lived in belgium. i hadn't worked at my full time job. i wasn't a mother. it's crazy to think how different my life is now from just a year and a half ago.

the summer after i graduated high school, becca was gracious enough to let me come live with her in NYC. Up to that point in my life, that summer topped all charts. We lived in an apartment on the upperwest side, 12 blocks from the temple, with a separate bedroom--a high comodity in ny--tiny typical kitchen, and windowsills hosting a view that had us entranced, endlessly peering out at the city below. i'll never forget those windowsills and that view.

we spent our days dancing, sweaty, trying to hit the gym early and failing, giggling, joking, journaling, studying, exploring the city, blowing our money on clothes, and blowing our burned calories on all the incredible food new york has to offer. mostly we just ate:)

we were able to witness a true conversion, as our dear friend jenna took the missionary discussions and was baptized all in one month. golden investigator. becca was born to share this gospel.

one of the most memorable moments i have with becca came late one night as we were walking home. it started pouring rain. rather than cry about it- we decided to be silly. we had heard it's a good workout to jog backwards. so with ten huge new york blocks left, we half-jogged half-walked backwards out of breath and to the entertainment of every new yorker passerby. we had blistered feet the next day, and practically pulled hamstrings. it was hard. becca's shoes were red and the rain seeped through to permanently stain her feet bright red for a couple of days. it was a hilarious fiasco. from then on we started writing notes to each other backwards in memory of our silly night. i was ram, backwards for mare. and she was ace, backwards for becca. we signed most our letters these past 18 months as ram and ace.

here's to you ace. thanks for teaching me so much about life.

i've got a new found mantra

2011-10-14T10:00:00.000-06:00

it comes from something devin shared with me from conference. speaking to the men president eyring said, "To give the {priesthood} service the Lord expects of us will take more and more self-discipline every day of our lives." essentially, what devin shared with me and what i love is,

---exercise more self discipline everyday---

it's not hard to get discouraged by all that i need to improve about me, but this seems manageable. only a prophet can make it sound appealing and possible. i really can exercise a little more self discipline everyday. it has been my rallying cry the past two days. i've used it to help me not give in and make that useless, but tasty, batch of chocolate chip cookies that I would probably eat almost entirely alone. i've used it in a rush when i would be prone to speed on the highway to calm down and take it slow. i've used it instead of wasting time online, to contact a long lost friend. i even used it when i desperately wanted anything but to prep, boil, cut, and freeze all that gross raw chicken that had been sitting in my fridge needing tending to. it doesn't mean i haven't gotten impatient, or selfish, or greedy, but this simple motto has really helped. that's all.
let me know if this saves you from any extra calories or car accidents:)
have a grand weekend.

every parent says it

2011-10-13T09:25:00.001-06:00

it's terribly cliche. but since when did my little guy go from this

to this??????

i intend to spend forever with these two

2011-10-12T07:00:00.000-06:00

i have a family here on earth.

they are so good to me.

i want to share my life with them

through all eternity.

families can be together forever

through heavenly fathers plan.

i always want to be

with my own family

and the lord has shown me how i can.

the lord has shown me how i can.

pictures by jenna

19 minor details

2011-10-11T07:56:00.000-06:00

we live in a house with burgundy trim, and forest green steps.

i made dinner only three times last week.

my favorite room in our house is our bathroom.
try as i may, i have a hard time not eating something sweet every day.

i'd like to learn more about investing money.
devin is three years from 30, and i'm three years from 20.

i wish my home was mostly white.

don't send me a picture message cause my phone is six years old and can't.
i love shower caps.

i ask for the same thing every birthday-a gift card to anthropologie.

cope snorts sometimes and it's my favorite noise he makes.

i finally get a thrill out of making my bed.

renting movies from the library is pretty fun.

i'm indecisive and tend to procrastinate.

currently we dont have a dishwasher.

less than 1000 days till my parents come home.

using seran wrap easily frustrates me.

my baby boy has a darling birthmark that i recently discovered.

a few things about my life right now i wish to never forget.

one day you'll thank me for this cope

2011-10-10T09:07:00.003-06:00

fact: babies make crazy faces.

fact: babies are almost always endlessly entertaining.

fact: babies create the urge in me to take endless pictures, even of crazy faces.

fact: i'm pleased as a peach to get such crazy faces on film.

it's what God gave you time for

2011-10-08T23:52:00.001-06:00

there was a talk in this recent general conference that i desperately wish was given last year. Elder Anderson's talk about children was exactly what i fasted to hear last october conference. i wanted a prophet to tell me whether or not i should have children. duh mare-not gonna happen. and it didn't.

one year later a prophet of god has said,

"This commandment has not been forgotten or set aside in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We express deep gratitude for the enormous faith shown by husbands and wives (especially our wives) in their willingness to have children. When to have a child and how many children to have are private decisions to be made between a husband and wife and the Lord. These are sacred decisions—decisions that should be made with sincere prayer and acted on with great faith."

i bring this up because having children, for me, did require ENORMOUS faith that i didn't have. i knew i wanted to be a mother, but i wasn't so sure about it. it's safe to say it was one of the greater leaps of faith i've taken in my life. i guess i was swayed by the world. sadly. swayed to think my selfish dreams may die with a child's birth. Elder Anderson quotes an incredible blogger who explains our culture's negative thoughts about motherhood,

“[Growing] up in this culture, it is very hard to get a biblical perspective on motherhood. … Children rank way below college. Below world travel for sure. Below the ability to go out at night at your leisure. Below honing your body at the gym. Below any job you may have or hope to get.”

after hoping for some counsel at conference a year ago and receiving none, i took a leap of faith into the darkness. and i can tell you now, even in the darkness, that was the second best step i've taken in my life. i can hardly believe i was scared of something so wonderful.

sure, half the time life doesn't remotely resemble these silly smiling pictures. it's messy, and tiring, and work! i air dry my hair, shave in sixty seconds, and eat with one hand.

but...

"Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in.

It is what God gave you time for.”

please read the article Elder Anderson quotes here. it's amazing.

mothering me

2011-09-29T17:16:00.003-06:00

i'm surprised by the women all around me who still mother me. yes i still need mothering. funny how that since becoming a mother, i've actually never felt more need to be mothered. you would think i was the baby here.

it's little things like my high school friend's mom who, while we were chatting, zealously cleaned her kitchen as if it was the most honorable duty known to man. i've cleaned my stove with rich pride since that day.

or there is my beloved elderly family friend who taught me about following promptings and generously giving, though she herself has so little. i know i can give more.

there are friends who live out of state, whose correspondence gives me confidence in my meager but adequate abilities. lately i've even been singing the sound of music song, "i have confidence" to drive the point home.

i can't talk of mothers without mentioning my sister in law who answers, or finds the answer if she doesn't know it, any and every silly question i conjure up in my mind. i want to be that way for my other sisters-in-law someday.

of course there is my sweet dance friend who makes motherhood look fashionable and appealing. this is especially useful for days when you change your outfit, we're talking sweats people, three times a day from all sorts of bodily fluids.

and then there are my neighbors who help me semi-exercise with walks and strollers and blanket time on the lawn. socializing with adults never grows old.

or there is my husband's best friend's wife who always helps me to think of my favorite things about my new little one, an activity that almost immediately brightens ones mood.

there is also my own husband's mother who gave us a recent lifesaver-a mobile. i needed mothering to know how valuable those entertainers are.

even the ballet director at the studio i teach reminds me to get babysitters from time to time and flu shots:) i'm trying to follow her counsel.
my inexpressibly perfect mother wrote me a letter before she left. i keep it in my scriptures at the side of my bed. it's just two sides, short really. i read it at night when i'm alone and have a tissue handy. it's all the mothering i could ask for. my goal in life is to live so that my children feel about me even close to what i feel about my angel mother.

shout out to anyone, listed or not, who has mothered me recently. i'm grateful.

hurrah

2011-09-24T07:00:00.000-06:00

my daddy read this story to our family the day he told us about his call to serve.

Quoting Heber C. Kimball, "September 14th, [1839], President Brigham Young left his home at Montrose to start on the mission to England. He was so sick that he was unable to go to the Mississippi [River], a distance of thirty rods, without assistance. After he had crossed the river he rode behind Israel Barlow on his horse to my house, where he continued sick until the 18th. He left his wife sick with a babe only three weeks old, and all his other children were sick and unable to wait upon each other. Not one soul of them was able to go to the well for a pail of water, and they were without a second suit to their backs, for the mob in Missouri had taken nearly all he had. On the 17th, Sister Mary Ann Young got a boy to carry her up in his wagon to my house, that she might nurse and comfort Brother Brigham" (quoted in Life of Heber C. Kimball, 265).

Heber C. Kimball's family were also ill. Charles Hubbard sent his boy with a team and wagon to help them on their way. Elder Kimball records: "It appeared to me as though my very inmost parts would melt within me at leaving my family in such a condition, as it were almost in the arms of death. I felt as though I could not endure it. I asked the teamster to stop, and said to Brother Brigham, 'This is pretty tough, isn't it; let's rise up and give them a cheer.' We arose, and swinging our hats three times over our heads, shouted: 'Hurrah, hurrah for Israel .' " Sister Young and Sister Kimball came to the door and waved a farewell which gave Brother Brigham and Brother Heber much comfort as they continued "without purse or scrip" towards England. (See Life of Heber C. Kimball, 265–66.)

hurrah for israel has kinda been a theme for their mission.

now any time cope puts his hands above his head, i can't help but say HURRAH!

little drummer boy

2011-09-23T15:14:00.003-06:00

the hardest part about motherhood for me so far has been sleep. starting right around when devin went to china, cope began only sleeping for 30 minutes during the day and nighttime is also pretty rough. sleep deprivation does not lend itself to my most patient or beautiful side.

before i was mother, i thought my children would be well behaved. like, if someone told me their baby only slept for 30 minutes i would've probably thought my kids won't be like that if i have anything to do with it.

i've since learned sometimes kiddos beat to their own drum. and what i've noticed from my 9 weeks of parenting, is that how we deal with their different beating is what stretches us most. it's painful, but thank heavens children teach us so much about ourselves. how did i ever improve without this little tyke?

ps. i must've forgot to mention the whole reason i'm writing this post is because for the first time in 5 weeks cope has been asleep for over two whole hours. i've gone in to check on him over and over to make sure he's still breathing. he still is. breathing and sleeping. i may just die it's such a blessed day!

two months today

2011-09-21T21:25:00.002-06:00

unbelievable how time speeds up with age. faster and faster the days go. the first month of cope's life i didn't really soak up, due to the fact that i felt like i was sleep walking in an alien body. but this past month has been glorious. i can't squeeze him enough. can't hold hands with him enough. can't take enough pictures. can't spend enough time trying to make him smile. can't believe this is my fulfilling life.

horse and buggy

2011-09-20T22:14:00.001-06:00

every night at bedtime my mother 'rocked' and sang to each of her children. first we rocked on a wood rocking chair, then upgraded to a blue lazy boy. we only had a few songs before it was the next sibling's turn. some were religious songs, others not. that cherished alone time with mom at the close of day was a prized ritual at our house. who wouldn't love being sung to in mom's arms? when i found out that my mom wouldn't be around as i raised my own little one, i had her email me a bunch of the non-religious songs she sang to us, so i wouldn't forget them. what a treasure i have in those songs! i'm not sure where my mom learned all of these songs, undoubtedly her mother sang some of them to her. it's magical to think that what i sing to my dear cope links my beloved mother to us and who knows how many mothers before her:)

this is one of those non-religious songs i grew up and with and is a favorite of ours. my favorite part is how much cope resembles a coach driver with my hair in his hands resembling the reins of horse. i don't even care about my silly singing voice.

Untitled from marilee killpack on Vimeo.

curled toes, skinny neck, big smile

2011-09-19T16:46:00.000-06:00

it is always changing but this is my new favorite picture of our little man.

Day 56

2011-09-15T21:40:00.001-06:00

this evening was exquisite and it called for celebrating. Cope is 56 days old today. sounds like a good enough reason to me.

one thing i love about where we live is our proximity to downtown. especially guru's. we strolled there tonight. ate good grub. and threw down a blanket for lounging. everyday in this family is great.

2011-09-14T21:18:00.001-06:00

i don't have anything neat to say, so i am just putting up pictures

blessing

2011-09-14T10:37:00.002-06:00

blessing day came and went. it was a real grown up moment for me. that was MY baby being blessed. oh unbelievable. oh how time flies.

copeland was an angel during the blessing: arms drooping down, body hanging limp, so relaxed he almost nodded into dreamland. one of the sweetest moments of the day was having all our loved ones around us. i felt like copeland must've in the circle: so supported by everyone that i was sure life was going to be okay. it's hard to believe they were all there to show love for our growing family. my brother even wore my dad's tie so he could be in the circle vicariously:) thank heavens for family.

maybe?

2011-09-12T18:00:00.000-06:00

sometimes i have hope he could be blonde:)

2011-09-11T21:49:00.003-06:00

a few weeks ago President Eyring visited San Salvador to dedicate the brilliant El Salvador Temple. he was able to speak to the missionaries of that country and my parents shared some of what he said. i will never forget the words he said about smiles:

"He has great things for you if you will work hard and SMILE! The smiling tells Him you will believe, that you have faith things will work out."

as my own little future missionary started smiling recently, not only is my heart one million times happier with each smile, but in the back of my mind i can't help but hear president Eyring say, "the smilling tells him you will believe, that you have faith things will work out."

it's what you wear from ear to ear, and not from head to toe, that matters

glad as i can be

2011-09-08T21:13:00.002-06:00

we're so glad when daddy comes home. i couldn't contain the tears at the airport. sweet relief.

we didn't even make it home from the airport before we stopped at JCW's to get some grub. nothing like an american burger to flush out two weeks of chinese food.

we all slept better with him around.

family bowling night

he wears his double chin well

mama's girl and daddy's boy. cope's cousin april, who is two weeks his elder.

proud daddies at family dinner

exiting survival mode

2011-09-02T11:10:00.001-06:00

devin went to china for two weeks for work. we booked his tickets two days before he left. cope was three weeks old. i shut down and did the bare minimum to survive. luckily taking pictures can still be done while in survival mode since i uploaded 432 this morning. i spent a lot of time with family, feeling ever so grateful to have such a good one. i'm positive i would've keeled over dead without them. here is what my two week hibernation looked like.

hopefully, this mama bear will get back to living life fully again soon.

Cope has been good for us. so very good.

2011-08-08T16:47:00.001-06:00

i had this long post written about motherhood, and it got deleted. since summarizing my thoughts about all this is daunting enough, this one will be quick, jumbled, and honest.

you hear it said that having a baby is hard. it is.
-hard on your pocketbook.
-hard on your body.
-hard on your patience.
-hard on so many other levels.

but even in the challenging areas there are gains that have come no other way:
-luckily, the words sister Beck said at a worldwide leadership training meeting three years ago have stuck with me, "you don't have children with money. you have children with faith."
-surprisingly, i've never been more accepting of my body since having a child. i'm appreciative and honored to live in something that can do such miraculous things. that's really huge for me.
-.... i'm still working on the patience. but i listened to this talk and laughed and cried.

there are even some surprising rewards i didn't expect. petty things like how my nails have never been so strong or long in my whole life. and of course the serious things like how our marriage is sweeter. like many more notches sweeter. we are more needed, more gentle, and literally more in love.

i wish you heard it said more how rewarding motherhood is. so this is me saying, despite all the hard, nothing in my life has been more fulfilling, humbling, challenging, softening, and exciting. and i love it.

4 generations

2011-08-04T09:35:00.000-06:00

Copeland is the 50th great-grandchild on the Killpack side.

But surprisingly, he is the first grandbaby to carry on the Killpack name.

Hopefully we can carry that name with honor.

wide open eyes

2011-08-02T11:04:00.000-06:00

someone wise warned me that having a boy is like falling in love again. it's true. i could stare at those eyes all day.

i also wish i could memorize every wrinkle, roll, expression, and pose.

no pictures means no posts

2011-08-01T10:45:00.000-06:00

for a little over 24 hours sometime last week we couldn't locate our camera charger.

our battery was dead, which meant no pictures until we found it. i think i almost went crazy because i couldn't bear the thought that i may miss documenting every day of cope's life. so silly.

we found it, and are back in the business of frenzied picture snapping.

first few days of life

2011-07-27T13:35:00.001-06:00

i feel like i'm finally living. this is what it is all about. i don't have the capacity to express what joy it is to have a fresh soul from God. mr. dickens said something of what i have been feeling the past few days:

I love these little people; and it is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us.

-Charles Dickens-

so cute when he crosses his eyes

i'm a mom.

first car ride

we love our son

hates bathtime

skinny legs

nothing better than catching a smile.

7.21.2011

2011-07-25T10:04:00.001-06:00

for now, i will let the pictures do the talking.

photos by my sister

pleased to meet you

2011-07-24T19:14:00.003-06:00

Copeland David Killpack

born july 21 2011

7:46 p.m.

6 pounds 15 ounces

19.5 inches

big belly

2011-07-19T10:10:00.000-06:00

for history's sake, here is this tummy in all it's splendor.

i don't have anything creative to write about because i don't have a baby here yet. maybe the next post will be better.

great... with child

2011-07-15T09:35:00.000-06:00

yesterday while texting a friend, she asked how i was doing.
i said, "i'm doing great."
but i wanted to say, "i'm great...with child."

in popped mary to my mind, and i understood something more clearly.
in the scriptures when it says mary was great with child, i can better relate that she was probably 'great with child' meaning that child was getting big.
but maybe that phrase means that she was already 'great...with child.' maybe she was already really great with the fact that she was so near to being a mom. maybe she was already really great at mothering, like the mother of our Savior should be. i don't think this is making sense but it was an ah-ha moment for me.

i feel pretty great with child at the moment. like i could always use an extra breath, and my right rib longs to remember what it feels like to not have a little bottom pushing on it. it's nothing

but i don't know when i'll be great...with child. probably eternities away. mary was way ahead of her game.

mom and i about a month ago

i am so excited for this baby to come. in an honest way, i've never been the girl who dreamt about mothering all her life. i'm the youngest. kids like devin more than me. i dunno how to hold newborns. sometime last year i had a whirlwind moment again. my stable perception of family was being rocked and i felt sick seeing the family crumbling on every side. i was filled with a real desire to do something about it--to start my own family and try with all my might to not let it crumble--something i wondered if i would ever feel. that desire for motherhood came, different for me than for every other mom as i hope it would be.

i think everyone comes to motherhood with a different purpose, and i'm grateful i feel a purpose even if i don't know the first thing about swaddling, breast pumps, or sleeping schedules. that purpose has helped me realize that i don't need to be "great...with child" already to mother in a way that is uniquely me, unlike anyone else mothers. i'm sure remembering that purpose will come in handy during the tenth diaper change of the wee hours of the night that is foreseeable in my very near future. and remembering that purpose makes me very excited.

whirlwind

2011-07-12T09:20:00.002-06:00

life can sometimes be fast and sudden without warning. in the past three weeks:

devin fractured his ankle.
devin started a new job.
we moved to provo.
my parents now live in el salvador.
i had my last day at my job.
and less than a few days til this tyke arrives.

it feels like a tornado whizzed through our little drab life, leaving us both hobbling--literally-- around, doing our best to clean up the aftermath. i do finally feel a little calm, but that could just be the eye of the storm before this babe arrives:) hurrah for memories that are perfect "back when we were young we walked uphill both ways..." grandchildren stories.

aren't all mothers beautiful?

2011-06-29T13:34:00.002-06:00

here is a picture of my dazzling mother pregnant with unborn me:) i think she is simply ravishing in this picture. what makes a mother beautiful is all the things, seen and unseen, that she willingly does for her child. i know mothers go through much to have bring a little life into existence and to continue that life on after birth, and my mom was no exception. her heart almost gave out during my pregnancy. i don't think i've quite caught a glimpse of what it means to go through the valley of the shadow of death for someone else, especially when i consider how relatively easy my pregnancy has been compared to what i know others go through. i still can't thank her enough for doing that for me. every day she becomes more and more wise and more and more beautiful. in fact, as i near my own brink of motherhood, i think i could stare at this picture for hours and envision the billions of ways she's given of herself to further my livelihood. what shoes to fill.

oh and read this story someone shared with me because it made me smile.

The Middle Wife

I have been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and> talk about it, they are welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother and I am going to tell you about his birthday.

First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella. She is standing there with her hands on the pillow and I am trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.) My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she does not have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down
in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!) Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and 'breathe, breathe.

They started counting but never even got past ten then all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there. Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I am sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it is show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

my beloved parents

2011-06-06T08:00:00.001-06:00

this year on my birthday i sat for a moment and cried. it was a milestone i proudly (yet barely) passed and my emotions ran high.

today i feel the same emotions running high. it could be because devin just left for a week of scout camp, and i'm never as good without him. or it could be because i'm a hormonal woman with a baby brewing in me. but i think i know the real reason.

on july first my parents will move outside america for three years to serve their God and our church.

they have been called to serve as mission presidents in the el salvador, san salvador mission.

in every way i adore my parents.

as someone on the verge of becoming a parent, i adore them.

imagining leaving my unborn child for three years makes me adore them even more.

knowing they would and will drop their entire lives at a moments notice when a prophet of God calls makes adore them even most.

they are the saints, scriptorians, and support i want someday to be.

and they are here for a brief three weeks more.

i'm one hundred percent certain that our lives will never be the same after this experience in the most positive way possible.

babies

2011-06-03T08:00:00.001-06:00

sometimes i think about the power of a little soul and get all giddy inside and my smile creeps out like the sunrise this morning. someone completely unique, who has never lived or breathed and never can be replicated, is about to come to earth and i'm a part of it. then sometimes i think about my responsibility in that and i want to shudder and crawl back in bed-i'm no wonderwoman. i dunno what i'm doing.

my friend shared with me this quote and i ate it right up. enjoy

"We fancy that God can only manage his world with battalions, when all the while he is doing it by beautiful babies. When a wrong wants righting, or a truth wants preaching, or a continent wants opening-God sends a baby into the world... Perhaps in a simple home and of some obscure mother. And then God puts the idea into the mother's heart, and she puts it into the baby's mind.

And then God waits.

The greatest forces in the world are not the earthquakes and thunderbolts.

The greatest forces in the world are babies."

baby pictures of moi.
pardon the picture-of-a-picture horrendous quality.

showers

2011-06-02T08:00:00.003-06:00

if you want to see the good in humanity have a baby--people are soooo generous.

it's sometimes mind blowing and tear jerking. we couldn't be more grateful.

family and friends anyone-THANK YOU.

our angel mothers

and angel grandmothers.

i am to the point, in the recent while, where i feel huge, no-gigantic, like a whale, beached and barely breathing:) it's awesome.

the pope, jimmer, and les mis

2011-06-01T08:00:00.000-06:00

the killpacks treated us to a wonderful evening this weekend.

we went to Buca Di Pepo's for dinner.

get their chicken pesto pizza. it's to die for.

if you can, ask to be seated in the pope room. the lazy susan on the table has the bust of a pope on it that spins with the table as you are getting your food. cool and creepy.

amy and tim make it funny.

jake and lin. she has a baby girl growing due two weeks before our tyke.

curtis and nate.

now for the story of the evening: we were gathered to celebrate curt's birthday. when what to our wondering eyes should appear, but jimmer fredette and his whole family dear.

jake judd, being the brave man he is, yelled, "hey jimmer." to which he politely responded back with a greeting and a wave. i was so bummed, because I wasn't looking as he walked past our table.

later that evening, daring devin asked jimmer to sign curt's birthday card. in high class style, jimmer totally did, and we all felt one notch happier that night.

end of story.

the night ended with beautiful les miserables at the capital theater. the story is so compelling, and moving. tears were shed. it was a well done production and a perfect evening. thank you killpacks!

a game of bocce ball

2011-05-31T20:58:00.000-06:00

we recently went to the living traditions festival in slc. it's a weekend festival full of dancing and music from different ethnicities. we saw some authentic gals in grass skirts, gazed at cool food, and got to play bocce ball. it was harder than it looked.

summer is finally feeling close!

hike adam's canyon

2011-05-27T08:01:00.000-06:00

if you live in utah, you should hike adam's canyon before you die.

i'm pregnant and i could do the hike.

it can barely even be called a hike.

it's more like trail walking:)

dev's brother nate came up for the weekend with russo.

at the first sight of good weather we headed for the ~~hike~~, trail walk.

you can see for miles. and until i moved to davis county and hiked adam's canyon, i never appreciated how big the great salt lake really is. massive.

i love being in nature. like pocahontas i love seeing what's around the river bend. i love the wind and the views. i love feeling completely separated from the cares of life.

we have big hopes of not letting this little guy keep us from roaming the earth this summer. you know, camping and hiking and such. we'll see how that goes.

next hike for the year: timp. i've lived in utah my whole life and never done it. this body post baby is doing it. anybody care to join me?

2011-05-26T09:01:00.000-06:00

today i tried on at least five different outfits before one would finally zip up.

i know not everyone is this way, but i must be grateful.

in general my pregnancy has been fairly easy.

i love that i fall asleep the second my head hits the pillow which is polar opposite of before.

i love when the little tyke gets hiccups.

i love that i feel well enough to do most of my normal routine without discomfort.

i love having extra motivation to eat salads everyday for lunch.

i love the pathetic excuse to eat for two and sometimes i use it.

i love when devin gets a big grin from feeling that babe move like crazy.

i love looking at nursery designs and fantasizing.

i love that i am a part of something miraculous.

few things have been difficult and i can't complain especially when i know how awful some people feel.

but things have been strange, as i go through this complete metamorphis.

it's strange that my tummy feels soooo crammed after a meal.

it's strange when people stare at your tummy. yes, i am pregnant.

it's strange when you get winded from laying on your back for too long, or tying your shoes.

it's strange that i have diapers sitting in my house.

it's strange how quickly it has passed, and how soon it will be through.

51 days to go.

pictures from our family reunion.

journaling is like losing wieght: unless you see progress it's hard to keep going

2011-05-25T19:02:00.001-06:00

today i finished a journal (the old ratty one in the back). this is probably one of my most treasured journals.

every journal is marvelous, but this one is particularly spectacular. i've gone to its pages more humbled in the past seven months than ever before. i've spilled my hopes and dreams, prayers and pleadings, failures and successes, heartaches and joys, and hopefully some of it is descipherable in that special book. hopefully i will glance back every now and then so i don't have to take repeat lessons. hopefully i'm learning something here.

follow your...

2011-05-19T21:54:00.000-06:00

image

i loved this thought:

"Joseph Campbell, a professor of literature who studied and taught about hero myths, introduced the phrase “follow your bliss” back in the 1970s. The idea was that heroes don’t chase money or prestige; they look into their hearts to find their passion and then pursue it.⁵ Now you see the phrase “follow your bliss” everywhere. Later, Campbell developed misgivings about how people were using the phrase. It was reported that he quipped, “What I should have said was, ‘Follow your blisters.’” You may do the most important, exciting work in the world. Nonetheless, some days will be mundane and no fun at all. You will be called upon to sacrifice. Don’t expect deep meaning without paying the price for it."

what could be better than following your blisters? i've been trying it for a few days, and have noticed a happier, more motivated me.

full article here

do you game?

2011-05-18T08:57:00.000-06:00

i come from a long family line of gaming. board games, card games, name games, word games, long games, speed games, competitive games, silly games-we love any and all. we're not talking bout computer games, but we do love a little tetris here and there.

on holidays we don't go to the movies, we stay cooped up and play game after game. it's what we do. we repeat the same one over and over, till we find a new one we love.

devin has slowly got the game train. i love him for it.

i love the way a game with family is filled with humor, interaction, memories, and hopefully a little mental challenge. that's my definition of a good past time.

playin one of our favorite games: qwirkle

got a favorite game?

staycation

2011-05-11T07:44:00.000-06:00

today i am leaving for a week with these folk: the salt of the earth.

au revoir.

plain honest. about my day.

2011-05-10T18:26:00.001-06:00

birthday at brick oven.

today i woke up feeling very refreshed but i still pulled my hair into a bun. today i wore my skirt unzipped with a long shirt-not because of the large piece of cake that i ate after dinner-simply cause it wont zip anymore. today we drove with nothing playing, but listened to frank sinatra all evening. today i had a doctors appointment get cancelled, got home early, yet still only made scrambled eggs for dinner. today i loved ripping up junk mail and making my house smell good. today don't really want to menu plan, fold laundry, or wear my contacts much longer- just want to put up this picture of my best friend and me, go to yoga, and hit the hay early...

pie

2011-05-03T22:47:00.000-06:00

"A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie."

-Tenneva Jordan

today i caught myself thinking over and over, "I am having a baby. I am going to be a mother." as we registered for baby things i would think, "i don't know anything about binkis. i can't even spell the silly word. i should call someone who is a mother or knows what to get." hopefully motherly instinct will kick in at some point.

it's hard to believe that something i've only imagined is happening. in a way that i can't easily explain, it makes me really eager and really bewildered all at once. 77 days to go till i announce i never did care for pie.

royal

2011-04-29T08:01:00.000-06:00

we are not attending the royal wedding today, but we (or should i say *i*) did have a silly progression front of the buckingham palace two summers ago.

yawn

oops

there we go

i'm grateful there is a large celebration all surrounding a marriage. congrats to the couple- it's worth it:)

thought for a thursday evening

2011-04-28T20:53:00.001-06:00

“A person cannot give a crust to the Lord without receiving a loaf in return.”

Melvin J. Ballard

I found a few 'loaves' of my own this week and wanted to share...

photos taken on my bday. delightful evening.

adieu to you twenty two

2011-04-26T21:39:00.001-06:00

my heart is swollen and my eyes are spilling over as one year of my life closes and the dawn of a new one opens.

honestly, this past has been the hardest year of my life.

yet, God has blessed me in so many ways.

things like feeling love from loved ones whether near or far.

a bath that is getting warmed for me as a i type,

and having good health.

things like a job where i can wear skirts everyday,

reaching for new goals,

and branching out past my normal comfort zone.

things like shoulders being made stronger to bear more,

tastebuds made sensitive to appreciate more,

and eyes made wet to feel more.

things like another culture to appreciate,

a family to re-adore,

and one more person coming home to stretch my heart to its limits and find new room to love immensely.

i think the stretching of the past year has made me a little more ready and able to be the person i know i can be.

“I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.” -Mother Teresa.

sionara twenty two. i shall not miss you.

bring on what lies ahead.

the festivities at the killpacks with fellow bday celebrators

house candy

2011-04-22T08:04:00.047-06:00

i wish i could give you some easter sweet to celebrate good friday, but here are a few little pictures from the summer of -oh nine- that make me swoon almost as much as the cadbury eggs.

i adore the stripes and minimalistic art.

our hotel in paris.

i tried to buy lamps from anthro to remind me of these, they couldn't compare.

portobello road in england.

if my house looks half this pretty someday, i'll be pleased as a peach.

a shop in interloken.

happy easter all!

don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone...

2011-04-21T08:08:00.001-06:00

silly as the song is... tis true.

sometimes i yearn to remember what it feels like to be confident in a face without much makeup. i love you little tyke, but the 'pregnancy glow' has not been my fortune to experience. just the opposite in fact. i've never felt so self-conscious of my blemished skin as right now. of course my complexion does not take precedence over this little fella on the way, and i dare not complain. i simply find it unfortunate that it requires taking things away for me to realize what i had.

positively, it has forced me to try harder than ever to have a radiant spirit. i remember sister tanner's sharing a quote from her mother about beauty. she shared this when i was in high school,

"You must do everything you can to make your appearance pleasing, but the minute you walk out the door, forget yourself and start concentrating on others."

amen sista.

a shiny, but clear, face from our first married summer together. sigh. it will come back wont it?

update:

2011-04-20T08:06:00.000-06:00

less than 3 months left!

in the spirit

2011-04-19T08:00:00.001-06:00

i have really been getting into easter this season. that being said, i have only had one bag of mini eggs so maybe i'm not quite there yet.

but-i'm talking about the spirit of easter. for some unknown reason i catch my self belting out the hymn, "he is risen" while stirring the saucepan full of something for supper. i usually let my excitement for general conference crowd out the joy of easter, so this year i'm grateful they are separate.

i recently read our prophets words in the latest ensign that say, "No words in Christendom mean more to me than those spoken by the angel to the weeping Mary Magdalene and the other Mary as they approached the tomb to care for the body of their Lord: “Why seek ye the living among the dead? He is not here, but is risen” (Luke 24:5–6)."

of all the words that could mean something to our prophet-these meant the most! that was surprising to me. i have questioned myself since reading those words-do i feel that way too? i'm no where close to the prophet, but this bold statement of his has helped me try to do those things that will put my heart in the right place this easter season, and for me that includes singing over the stovetop and eating cadbury eggs:)

weekend funnies

2011-04-18T08:04:00.001-06:00

-it was noon on friday before i realized that i had forgotten to put on mascara that morning.

-i got a leg cramp in the middle of the night that forced me to writhe around the bed in pain unaware of anything else. i am now known as the steamroller.

-saturday i let my hair air dry, something that was my daily ritual in europe but i haven't done in a while.

-when younger, devin once shook the ranch dressing so hard is spewed all over the kitchen and he's never lived it down. he did a reenactment yesterday and i was the lucky witness and recipient.

-after lunch on sunday i couldn't button up my yellow skirt. i wore it to a meeting unbuttoned, with a shirt to cover it of course.

Someone shared Marjorie Pay Hinckley's quote with me this weekend, and i've loved it. "How did a nice girl like me get into a mess like this?" Sometimes I take life too seriously. Life is funny, and, at times, it deserves to be laughed about.

vistas of the early hours

2011-04-08T08:36:00.001-06:00

today i woke up at 5:40 without an alarm. i haven't been much of a morning person, until lately. i started a full time job that requires i wake up at 6 everyday. i love knowing that my dad is sitting at the kitchen table reading scriptures when i wake up. i love that finally i am among many other wise men and women of the world that are already up and at 'em. i love knowing that i beat devin to the shower, which means he gets to make the bed. i love the curious moment of peeking out the blinds each morning, never knowing what weather you are gonna get. i love how morning sounds. i love all the beautiful vistas on the drive to salt lake that are unique to the east bench of davis county. i love feeling so exhausted in the evening that i can't keep my eyes open past a decent hour. mostly, i love that God is helping me change a habit that i was not proud of.

i don't love eating breakfast while driving-who has the discipline to get ready early enough to sit down and eat breakfast? i don't love 8 story parking garages. i don't like not having dinner ready for devin when i'd like. but mostly, i love that God takes care of us, whenever we do our very best and trust in him for the rest.

brianhead, ut 10.07

just as majestic...

2011-04-07T19:34:00.001-06:00

we knew it would happen. we moved home from belgium and have taken about 30 pictures in three months. woops. there are things that occur day in and out that are just as majestic, things just as worthy of forever etching in my mind, things equally historic or monumental happening in utah as there were in belgium.

the beautiful thing is that it is all so familiar to me-the sad thing is that i don't think to pull out a camera for the familiar. here are a few rare occasions where i did.

we threw a baby shower for a neighbor. yes devin did as much work as i did, and so i say we:)

we have taken every opportunity to be with family after the six month drought. mom and i frequenting the glorious in and out for pop's bday lunch. i'm sorry europe-but you do not know how to do hamburgers.

we had the glazier gang over to our house for grandma and pop's combined bday dinner. i had so missed the fulfillment of being a host in my own home.

and a silly tummy picture that is five weeks out of date now... dumb.

there are maybe five other pictures besides this. hopefully my camera will be put to better use soon.

flood the earth

2011-04-06T21:30:00.000-06:00

i recently went to a meeting where the stupendous sister dalton encouraged us to "Flood the earth with VIRTUE." she encouraged us to use the internet to do that. so here i am-trying to do my part.

here is the first picture devin and i have together. devin looks exactly the same. i have chubby cheeks, and hair that is 12 inches shorter. i am hiding my right eye because this was the first day out of the hospital after i had my first reconstructive surgery years ago. oh how time has flown. oh how we've grown.

at that time, nothing i had previously experienced was so stretching and testing as a kick in the eye with a rollerblade. of course in retrospect, like all trials, i now can see how it helped refine my course and prepare for other little tests ahead. they are all little tests compared to those others face, but big ones for me. things that i didn't think i could muddle through, but was miraculously enabled to do so. God is so good. i am happy for the small but 'mighty changes' he has allowed to take place in my heart, most often as a result of trying times.

B.

2011-03-01T16:27:00.000-07:00

blue eyes.
blonde hair.
baby boy.

i can only dream that our baby will have blue eyes and blonde hair and look like this. before i was married, one of my dance friends kept a picture of her husband when he was four as her scripture bookmark. about three years ago i did the same. it was a smart move.

a little tyke

2011-02-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

we wanted to share the joy:

there is a BABY BOY headed our way this july!

pic from a perfect fabric store in antwerp

relearning home

2011-02-18T08:04:00.014-07:00

what i feared would happen, happened: i came home from europe and gave up on blogging since my life was back to normal. i love my normal life, but honestly, it's just that=normal, and not worth blogging about. but i don't want to focus only on the extravagant that i forget the everyday.

coming back to america was an emotional thing for me. i had my hand over my heart when i landed on this sacred soil. we've been soaking up, or trying to, all that we love about home.

since we've been back:

we pulled off, fantastically if i may say so, our best christmas surprise for our families. after getting delayed for two days because of a snowstorm in europe we made it back in time for christmas eve. both mothers were in tears. i've never missed my family, nor been so homesick, nor wished so badly to be back as i did while in belgium. christmas was at it's pinnacle this year.

we lived out of a suitcase for the first two weeks of being home because we couldn't leave family.

when we finally moved back home, we were certain our house was a mansion complete with carpet, closets, and a garage!

we went to the ballet.

we bought an $8 couch i'm attempting to reupholster.

we had the best donuts from here. trust me and just try the fritters.

we've driven to provo at least every week, usually more.

we have frequented redbox, wendy's, the mandarin, neighborhood walmart, cafe rio, guru's, and deseret book and took heart at all it's american glory:) yes, i'm proud.

we've been floored with the size of the mountains, the frequency of temples literally everywhere, and the joy we get from pronouncing produce.

we've seen friendly faces that truly make home, home.

we've finally, almost 18 months since moving in, unloaded every box in our townhome.

we've felt almost sick about the amount of stuff we have, but, admittedly we have taken a fancy for texting again, re-adored our sweet mac and lovable cars, gobbled up every appliance in my kitchen, and put to use my beloved nail polish and blow dryer.

we've had thumb wars frequently, rearranged our front living room, decided it's time for our bed to be refinished, spent lots of time with the youth in our ward, been in grateful awe that the sun comes out so often, and relish in the fact that everyone can understand us and we them.

here's to all the blessed, normal things about home.

recap with russo part 2

2011-02-17T10:27:00.000-07:00

the lovely hotel we stayed in while at bruges. they had to extend their breakfast hours for us cause we slept in so late.

view from our window of the bed and breakfast.

frosted christmas wreaths for sale.

at the lovely christmas markets eating pasta.

beautiful brrrrrruges.

the reason why they call this place the venice of belgium.

russo's first belgian waffle.

we were the oldest people on the rink.

despite the looks of it, all our years of dancing paid off. we didn't fall once. devin on the other hand took a unashamedly graceful fall while trying to do a penche(ponche?) like michelle kwan.

grand place all festively decorated. it was freezing.

ice skating rink in the middle of the grand place. best thing we did.

russo is a kindred spirit to be sure. there is a special connection there that doesn't need describing, but i must say how grateful i am for her. her visit to the lovely belgie was timely and needed, she says for herself but i know it was more for me. thank heavens for angel friends.

recap with russo part 1

2011-02-15T11:51:00.000-07:00

INTRO:

russo's first name is sarah, last is russo. there were two sarah's at dance so we called her russo to differentiate. russo is three years my junior. we didn't go to high school together, but we may as well have been sisters. we spent more hours together than i did with my own brother. i was lucky enough to carpool with her my last year of dancing. it was awesome to play tour guide and show her around a country we came to adore. plus we had her there for the few days of holiday that we took while overseas, perfect. thank heavens for christmas break and sky miles. love you russo.

bruges belgium. heaven on earth. matching coats.

antwerp. kloosterstraat. cheesy picture in a million dollar store.

place de jeu du balle. 365 days outta the year flea market.

the king's palace. stunning russo.

brussel's best look-out point.

the one and only grand place. holiday styled. they even had a nativity.

manniken piss. this was one of the few places russo was reccommended to go visit. he's the most famous statue in belgium and is about 18 inches tall, sort of a let down.

but we aren't kidding when we say the belgian waffles are to die for. no let downs there. don't worry we brought 30 home with us, they were gone in a few days.

russo spent the sabbath attending our perfect belgian ward. after church they put on a FEAST for noel-no casseroles or green jello there-just turkeys, soups, salads, homemade bread, and smorgasbord of desserts. best food we ate all week. after 12 hours at the church, we spent 2.5 hours getting home from church when it usually takes 30 minutes. despite that, the next day russo and i BRAVELY trekked the 2 hour drive to citadelle at dinant without devin. worth it? yes.

we also trekked up all those stairs in the background since the tram was closed. (nothing gets shoveled or snowplowed in belgium. they usually get a few inches, not two feet.)

there were at least 1000 stairs. and at the top, there was just a metal guard rail.

but the view was irreplaceable.

gratefully we only had one fall. of course it came on the last five steps and included a face plant. we will never forget that experience.

... part two tomorrow.

i don't care too much for money, cause money can't buy you love

2011-02-14T13:17:00.000-07:00

On this day, I need to say-

I believe that LOVE is at the center of our happiness. Nothing brings greater joy than loving others.

"A (person) filled with the love of God, is not content with blessing his family alone, but ranges through the whole world, anxious to bless the whole human race." -Joseph Smith

“Man’s greatest happiness comes from losing himself for the good of others.” -Harold B Lee.

I'm grateful for the happiness brought to all of us by love-the love we share and the love others have shown for us. Love is what makes the world go round.

roughing it on our last camping trip of 2010

we couldn't resist

2011-01-18T21:14:00.001-07:00

there is no place like home. for the holidays.
so after almost six months overseas, we surprised our families with an early arrival back to the states on Christmas eve. i didn't have my camera but someone snapped this the second we saw our families. it is worth more to me than almost any earthly possession.

i love belgium. i love what we went through there. i love the people we met. but, it feels more than good to live again in the land of the free and the home of the brave. nothing beats america. and nothing beats family.

happy new year all.

light at the end of the tunnel

2010-12-16T07:12:00.000-07:00

it is miraculous thing, God's timing. while things around us may be in upheaval, He visits us with little assurances, often perfectly timed, to make sure we know He is aware.

i have often been guilty of writing things off as coincidence. in fact, in one of the first conversations i had with my mother-in-law when i was about 16, i specifically remember her telling me that the situation we were discussing(which happened to be about devin's mission) was not a coincidence. since then i am sadly still guilty of forgetting that timing is everything.

i needed a refresher recently on what the phrase tender mercy really meant. i tend to overuse the term and it turned it into something trite and meaningless. i was surprised to remember how often the timing the blessings are to help us recognize that they come from Him. let an apostle describe it for us:

"Often, the Lord’s timing of His tender mercies helps us to both discern and acknowledge them.

Faithfulness and obedience enable us to receive these important gifts and, frequently, the Lord’s timing helps us to recognize them.

We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord’s tender mercies. The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live. When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance."

essentially what i am trying to get at is that i've better recognized in the past few months, that "WHEN is just as important as HOW." source.

last weekend i got some news that a dear friend is coming out to visit. in just one of those desperate moments, this was the light at the end of a tunnel for me, hope that i can make it through the christmas season overseas without my beloved family, joy from knowing God catered the timing of this gift to suit my current needs.

the angel arrives today, and will leave just before the holidays. here is to a heavensent week with russo.

kloosterstraat, antwerp

2010-12-15T07:04:00.001-07:00

the antique capital of belgium. thousands of gems all in one street.

this could be my favorite street in all of belgium.

stellar. cellar.

2010-12-14T08:04:00.000-07:00

i've seen pictures of some pretty amazing cellars here in belgium. but it took actually standing in such an ancient thing for my whole soul to realize the grandeur of it.
this cellar in antwerp had a two story store overhead, and apartments on top of that. there is no telling how long ago the foundation was laid, and my mind can't comprehend how the weight has sturdily held for 500+ years. we were utterly facinated, and as usual, tried to figure out how we could replicate it, build it, or take it home with us.

being inspired is hard to beat.

"He never did any of those things that usually accompany greatness."

2010-12-10T11:58:00.001-07:00

my grandmother raised her children to the Christmas singing king of their day: andy williams. of course, my mother then raised us on him as well. i have listened to his Christmas albums countless times, but one part of a live recording has stood my neck hairs on end without fail this year. he quotes a poem attributed to jim bishop called "one solitary man." i prefer andy's reading of it but couldn't find it on the internet, so here is the next best substitute, and the author of my grandpa's favorite carol, bing crosby. you're gonna love this:

if i had a mind of steel i would memorize this poem. i suppose there may still be time before the holidays. since we've only heard a fistful of holiday tunes played on the radio, seen a handful of lights on homes or trees, and have yet to sing a single Christmas carol in church and it is already the tenth of december!, i am grateful for people, how ever old, who took their time to share their love for Christ's story. i hope to better do the same.

finds on rue antoine dansaert, brussels

2010-12-09T06:50:00.001-07:00

found a beautiful rue our last trip. amazing shopping. lovely apartments. great neighborhood.

get a load of this, if you can. i walked up to this window and said to devin, "if i had that gold skirt in the back i'd be in heaven." we stared at the window for a while when the epiphany came. "those are PAPER! the dresses and skirts are made out of PAPER!" they were gathered, pintucked, pleated, pressed, seamed, and hemmed all out of the stuff we write on everyday. all my patternmaking days resurfaced and i was left fantasizing. I DIED, then made devin take a picture.

if you can enlarge please do. you'll die too.

nothing can top the above story. but someday i'd like to make a sofa thingy like this. i am in love with excess tufting.

the inspiring end.

noel in brussels

2010-12-08T11:33:00.000-07:00

the christmas market in brussels held a candle to paris. i'm learning that french markets are famous, but belgian's are cheaper and just as grand.

this is the snow that cancelled church. amazing.

our neighbors own a merry-go-round. i hope it's this one. it's ingenious.

place sainte catherine, the very first place we went in brussels. reminiscent. now covered in lights and stalls.

something fried and covered in sugar. something very good.

it was painfully cold, high up on pain scale cold.

we went outdoor ice skating on our honeymoon here. we could barely move in the cold, let alone skate this past weekend. hopefully next weekend, and maybe make a yearly tradition. found a few christmas presents, but still need a few more. besides taking a few hours to dethaw, it was a thoroughly enjoyable way to spend a saturday.