exiting survival mode

devin went to china for two weeks for work. we booked his tickets two days before he left. cope was three weeks old. i shut down and did the bare minimum to survive. luckily taking pictures can still be done while in survival mode since i uploaded 432 this morning. i spent a lot of time with family, feeling ever so grateful to have such a good one. i'm positive i would've keeled over dead without them. here is what my two week hibernation looked like.

hopefully, this mama bear will get back to living life fully again soon.

Cope has been good for us. so very good.

i had this long post written about motherhood, and it got deleted. since summarizing my thoughts about all this is daunting enough, this one will be quick, jumbled, and honest.

you hear it said that having a baby is hard. it is.
-hard on your pocketbook.
-hard on your body.
-hard on your patience.
-hard on so many other levels.

but even in the challenging areas there are gains that have come no other way:
-luckily, the words sister Beck said at a worldwide leadership training meeting three years ago have stuck with me, "you don't have children with money. you have children with faith."
-surprisingly, i've never been more accepting of my body since having a child. i'm appreciative and honored to live in something that can do such miraculous things. that's really huge for me.
-.... i'm still working on the patience. but i listened to this talk and laughed and cried.

there are even some surprising rewards i didn't expect. petty things like how my nails have never been so strong or long in my whole life. and of course the serious things like how our marriage is sweeter. like many more notches sweeter. we are more needed, more gentle, and literally more in love.

i wish you heard it said more how rewarding motherhood is. so this is me saying, despite all the hard, nothing in my life has been more fulfilling, humbling, challenging, softening, and exciting. and i love it.

4 generations

Copeland is the 50th great-grandchild on the Killpack side.

But surprisingly, he is the first grandbaby to carry on the Killpack name.

Hopefully we can carry that name with honor.

wide open eyes

someone wise warned me that having a boy is like falling in love again. it's true. i could stare at those eyes all day.

i also wish i could memorize every wrinkle, roll, expression, and pose.

no pictures means no posts

for a little over 24 hours sometime last week we couldn't locate our camera charger.

our battery was dead, which meant no pictures until we found it. i think i almost went crazy because i couldn't bear the thought that i may miss documenting every day of cope's life. so silly. 

we found it, and are back in the business of frenzied picture snapping.

first few days of life

i feel like i'm finally living. this is what it is all about. i don't have the capacity to express what joy it is to have a fresh soul from God. mr. dickens said something of what i have been feeling the past few days:

I love these little people; and it is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us.

-Charles Dickens-

so cute when he crosses his eyes

i'm a mom. 

first car ride

we love our son

hates bathtime

skinny legs

nothing better than catching a smile.

7.21.2011

for now, i will let the pictures do the talking.

photos by my sister

pleased to meet you

Copeland David Killpack

born july 21 2011

7:46 p.m.

6 pounds 15 ounces

19.5 inches

big belly

for history's sake, here is this tummy in all it's splendor.

i don't have anything creative to write about because i don't have a baby here yet. maybe the next post will be better.

great... with child

yesterday while texting a friend, she asked how i was doing.
i said, "i'm doing great."
but i wanted to say, "i'm great...with child."

in popped mary to my mind, and i understood something more clearly.
in the scriptures when it says mary was great with child, i can better relate that she was probably 'great with child' meaning that child was getting big.
but maybe that phrase means that she was already 'great...with child.' maybe she was already really great with the fact that she was so near to being a mom. maybe she was already really great at mothering, like the mother of our Savior should be. i don't think this is making sense but it was an ah-ha moment for me.

i feel pretty great with child at the moment. like i could always use an extra breath, and my right rib longs to remember what it feels like to not have a little bottom pushing on it. it's nothing

but i don't know when i'll be great...with child. probably eternities away. mary was way ahead of her game.

mom and i about a month ago

i am so excited for this baby to come. in an honest way, i've never been the girl who dreamt about mothering all her life. i'm the youngest. kids like devin more than me. i dunno how to hold newborns. sometime last year i had a whirlwind moment again. my stable perception of family was being rocked and i  felt sick seeing the family crumbling on every side. i was filled with a real desire to do something about it--to start my own family and try with all my might to not let it crumble--something i wondered if i would ever feel. that desire for motherhood came, different for me than for every other mom as i hope it would be.

i think everyone comes to motherhood with a different purpose, and i'm grateful i feel a purpose even if i don't know the first thing about swaddling, breast pumps, or sleeping schedules. that purpose has helped me realize that i don't need to be "great...with child" already to mother in a way that is uniquely me, unlike anyone else mothers. i'm sure remembering that purpose will come in handy during the tenth diaper change of the wee hours of the night that is foreseeable in my very near future. and remembering that purpose makes me very excited.