a sea separates us today

though miles apart, i love him no less.

devin knows where to find my phone, keys, diaper bag, or any thing important that i often lose.

devin writes in his journal in cursive and it looks better than mine.

devin doesn't always win games against me but he still plays them competitively.

devin makes my brothers laugh more than i can.

devin spent hours creating spreadsheet for a business idea of mine because he believes in me.

devin likes josh groban and i don't.

devin fearlessly would speak french in belgium while i didn't say one word to anyone for six months.

devin is missing a middle name: mr. meticulous.

devin lends me his chapstick because i never carry my own.

devin has thorough to-do-lists which rarely go unaccomplished.

devin taught me to like foods like mushrooms and beets that i never enjoyed before.

devin doesn't need sweets everyday and praise the heavens above for that.

devin sings and i cant.

devin is a master of finishing a task while i have fifty unfinished projects lying around.

devin does dirty work-changing diapers, cleaning toilets, and taking out the trash for which i'm glad.

devin never makes me feel bad for being less than i should, but patiently waits for me to be better.

devin lets me buy a pair of shoes i don't need when he hasn't bought a pair of new jeans he does need.

devin adores the lord, me, and our son, just as much as i had always hoped for.

I'm not perfect, neither are you, nor is our marriage. but you and me, our marriage, imperfections and all, makes me happier than i can express.  

happy valentines devin. i love and miss you.

...that there shall not be room enough to receive them

In June of last year Devin shattered his ankle while cliff jumping with the scouts in Moab. The hospital in Moab sent him home with a splint and wrote it off as just a bad sprain. That weekend was my parent's farewell, and try as he may, it was hard to stay off his foot. Despite soaking it ice baths continuously, the bruise only deepened and the swelling only increased. It looked like this:

On Monday he went to another doctor because we had a hard time believing that elephant ankle was only a sprain. That doctor told us to get into a orthopedic surgeon asap.  The best orthopedic surgeon he recommended was Dr. Faux all the way down in Provo. At the time we were living in Layton. Didn't make much sense but we booked an appointment the next week cause he was so busy, and drove down to see him anyway. Immediately he took an x-ray and found out it was shattered and that action needed to be taken. At this point his suggestion was to cast it and see if all the fragments of bone would come together and heal. Devin had his first cast for 4 weeks, non weight bearing with crutches or a scooter. We celebrated Devin's birthday, moved, and bid my parents adieu all with that cast on.

(note devin's crutch poking out behind my leg in the above picture) A funny side story: when my parents were set apart for their mission Devin still had his cast on. President Eyring greeted Devin and asked said, "So what happened?" Devin said that he hurt his ankle in Moab with the teachers the previous week. To which President Eyring responded, "Were  you doing something unusual?" Devin replied simply, "Yes." President Eyring courteously said, "I won't ask." "Thank You," said embarrased Devin... awesome story, no?

Anyway, the morning Cope was born Devin's cast came off. Tender mercy. He wore a walking moon boot for another 4 weeks.

Fast forward to November. Devin had been going to physical therapy every week for about 16+ weeks. There was progress made, but it was still unpleasant to walk on. He revisited Dr. Faux and asked for an x-ray again. This time they noticed the bone fragments weren't healing together. They decided to do a debridement (which is when they go in with a scope to see how it looks and clean up the fragments). Hopefully this would take away the discomfort. Dr. Faux did let us know that if they did do a debridement now that 5 years down the road he would probably need to fuse his ankle due to the severity of the break and usual degeneration. He also mentioned that there was a possibility of doing a fusion on the ankle joint because it was inevitable and depending on how bad it really looked (you can't tell cartelige in x-rays). We were excited to move forward and even secretly hoping for a fusion.

On November 21, devin went in for surgery. Dr Faux came in two hours later to let me know that they had fused the ankle as a last resort. He showed me pictures from the scope, Devin had no cartiledge left between is ankle joint. It was rubbing bone on bone. That is the definition of arthritis and if that kept up much longer Devin would have been in major trouble.

This monday Devin gets his fourth cast off. He will be in a walking moon boot again for four more weeks. After all is said and done that will be 24 weeks in a cast this past year.  16 weeks with a hard cast-12 of those on crutches or a scooter and 4 walking on the hard cast-- plus 8 more in a walking moon boot. Monday will be a big day full of joyous celebration.

So why tell you all this? Because it is quite the miracle and when I hear of miracles my faith is strengthened. At the time of Devin's accident Devin was switching jobs. I was working full time and covered with insurance but Devin was not. We toyed with the idea of getting rid of Devin's insurance since it was costly to maintain, and Devin had rarely goes to the doctor and had never broken a bone in his life. It seemed pointless. But for some reason we kept our insurance gratefully. When you hurt yourself at a church activity, the church's insurance: Desert Mutual Benefit Adminstration will cover all costs that your primary insurance does not cover. 100%, no questions asked. If you don't have primary insurance it will cover what a normal primary insurance would. Because we kept his insurance the church covered all the expenses. We have not paid a dime for all the thousands of dollars in expenses. Yesterday I got this notification, not a bill, in the mail.

We have been receiving these since July but we just got the notification for Devin's surgery. How much did November 21, 2011 cost? $12,695.12. In the bottom right corner, how much did we pay? $0.00. Zero Dollars! Miraculous. That is not mentioning the seven other doctor visits, the hospital visit in Moab, the x-rays and cat scans, the months of physical therapy...etc. That is just one day.

"Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it" malachi 3:10

Sure, these past eight months of issues have been pretty miserable, and definitely doesn't feel like a blessing. That's not even coming from the one who has to deal with the cast and pain directly. It has been one of Devins most taxing trials that's for sure. I am so proud of him for his patient perseverance. But the miracle that I want to share is that the Lord keeps his promises. Some may dispute that Devin wouldn't have hurt his ankle if he weren't with the scouts, so of course the church should pay. But I am trying to say how miraculous we kept our insurance during a difficult time. How miraculous this church has means to pay for every cost. How miraculous that the Lord takes care of us. I know He poors out his blessings and there is not room enough to receive them. He has done it for me, for us, and he will do it for you.

december thirty first

i always grew up thinking the whole world celebrated my mother's birthday. december 31. new years eve. i still like to think that way:)

 it's so late but we had some fun memories on new years eve that i want to remember.

 first, i thought it would be grand to go on walk up rock canyon park. not my most brilliant move.

poor devin was still non-weight bearing on his ankle and bound to his trusty scooter.

the path wasn't really paved and we had ten wheels and only three feet trying to push ourselves up this gravel-y mountainside. poor pioneers. how'd they do it?

my fiasco of an idea only lasted ten minutes before our three feet and ten wheels came jostling- half bouncing, half flying- down the mountainside.

 of course, it did last long enough to get some pictures.

 devin's idea was much more brilliant: JCW's.

who knew they have an El Salvador Flag in JCW's in Provo, UT? I still don't understand why. But I almost fainted when I saw it. and for now I'll take it as a little tender mercy sent to me, who had never been apart from my mother on her birthday was missing her. thank you for that one.

the El Salvador flag is the bottom right one.

 besides the jostling down the mountainside, and the flag, this was the next best part of the holiday: 

the BYU game was on and cope couldn't take his eyes off the screen that was thirty feet away. must've been something scary going on because they both look nervous!

 these pictures are too good.

 as is this one.

 and this one.

it was a perfect celebration of december 31.

Forever

Being a parent opens your eyes in so many ways. Not only are my eyes open more times in the middle of the night than ever before:) but I better see all the things my own parents have done for me.

I had one such connection today. My mother sent me a short email, you could almost could call it a memo. It was to the point, brief, all business. She is incredibly busy and was addressing a short question I had, which I considered very thoughtful since I have one zillion questions and don't expect to hear back from her for days. She concluded this little memo with the phrase,"I love you forever." Obviously a familiar phrase but this time those words choked my heart. Maybe it was the contrast of the business-like memo with her unashamed declaration of love that caught me off guard. My thoughts turned to Cope. How could my love for him stay stagnant? It doesn't. My love for him keep grows every day. Maybe this increase of love is what my mom meant by forever. But I also thought forever means not only how much I love him but how long. How could I just one day stop loving him? I can't and won't. Like my own mother, I love him forever.

hot sauce in his chili

the other day i found this poem at my sister's house. the sweet author is a wise woman in devin's childhood neighborhood. i distinctly remember reading this poem and thinking about it for over and over afterward. 

food for thought-by mary kay sorenson

food prepared without some spice

can be tasteless, and not caring

it doesn't hurt to spice things up

and be a little daring.

a little cloves or nutmeg in your soup

may seem quite silly

or why not try some ginger

or some cajun in your chili.

a marriage needs to have some spice

a little change and daring

a lot of thoughtfulness each day

and an awfully lot of caring

a love note hidden in his socks

may seem a little silly

but it will pay more dividends 

than hot sauce in his chili

now that i have been married four years (what!) it's the daring and caring things that make marriage magical.

oh and one last quote from a marriage article in this month's ensign:

"My all-time favorite short piece of counsel on marriage came from President Gordon B. Hinckley, who shared this important key to a great marriage: “A happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion.” If you want a happy marriage, do what happily married couples do."

three cheers for marriage: the institution that has taught me the most about myself, the challenge that has stretched me the most, the blessing that has deepened any joy i had previously known.

i just want to say one thing: it is all worth it for this

cope has been popping in teeth lately.

and chewing on everything in sight

and sitting up all on his own

 and rolling around all over the place

and bouncing in daddy's old door hanging jumper

and being so completely adorable that our hearts could burst.

yes, this is worth anything. oh so worth it.

pictures from my beloved instagram

20 questions

I normally don't do things like this, but a favorite site of mine, simplemom.net had the idea, and it looked like a good way to round up my thoughts on the year. 

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year? adding copeland to our family

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened? adjusting to having copeland in our family and having my parents be gone. there isn't one single most challenging thing, it was more the sequence and timing of the challenges, so close together and so inopportune.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year? i never, in my wildest dreams, imagined myself so content, satisfied, and happy as a mother. 

4. What was an unexpected obstacle? most obstacles were unexpected. being unemployed and having a husband brake his ankle were most unexpected.

5. Pick three words to describe 2011. eventful, trying, fortunate

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2011 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you). accomplished fulfilling demanding

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2011 (again, without asking). challenging, new, joyful

8. What were the best books you read this year? the book of mormon. for the first time i read it in 30 days, a little less than the time it took to translate it. it was a whole new book for me. 

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships? my God, husband and new son. my parents. my sister in law. my brother. my parents in law. my friends. my coworkers and students... the usual. 

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year? i am a different person than I was last January but it's hard to pin it to one thing. i'm not sure i have changed but i would hope i have learned to be more loving.

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally? i still struggle voicing my feelings always but i know i was forced to be better at sharing my feelings since there were so many.

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually? i know God let's us struggle until the exact minute that we can do it no longer, then he steps in and takes it. usually we surprise ourselves and that minute is a lot further than we expect. i have felt this so many times this past year. i know he is acutely mindful of our struggling.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically? this is a dumb question for a pregnant person, how did i not grow physically? well,after having a baby i appreciate my body. still don't eat, sleep, or exercise like i would want, but i'm appreciative.

 14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others? anything regarding parenting, i'm more hungry for, grateful for, and understanding about having experienced it myself. i'm more grateful for all my husband does, since i am more reliant upon him than ever before. most of my family relationships have deepened as a result of cope too.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)? meeting new people at Kirton & McConkie who were inspiring. getting out of the house to teach spunky new 9-12 year olds. getting familiarized (again) with my new little guy.

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)? remembering 200+ peoples names and faces as a receptionist at work. Keeping a gaggle of 9-12 year olds focused at a dance class. being my best self while juggling dishes, menu planning and dinner every night, and of course, laundry and other cleaning while on zero sleep.

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year? the internet. silly thing.

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year? a the time working was great, as was growing a baby, and now taking care of him.

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year? i can do hard things.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2011 for you. this is cheesy. no thanks. but 2011 has been very good.

happy new year all!