great... with child

yesterday while texting a friend, she asked how i was doing.
i said, "i'm doing great."
but i wanted to say, "i'm great...with child."

in popped mary to my mind, and i understood something more clearly.
in the scriptures when it says mary was great with child, i can better relate that she was probably 'great with child' meaning that child was getting big.
but maybe that phrase means that she was already 'great...with child.' maybe she was already really great with the fact that she was so near to being a mom. maybe she was already really great at mothering, like the mother of our Savior should be. i don't think this is making sense but it was an ah-ha moment for me.

i feel pretty great with child at the moment. like i could always use an extra breath, and my right rib longs to remember what it feels like to not have a little bottom pushing on it. it's nothing

but i don't know when i'll be great...with child. probably eternities away. mary was way ahead of her game.

mom and i about a month ago

i am so excited for this baby to come. in an honest way, i've never been the girl who dreamt about mothering all her life. i'm the youngest. kids like devin more than me. i dunno how to hold newborns. sometime last year i had a whirlwind moment again. my stable perception of family was being rocked and i  felt sick seeing the family crumbling on every side. i was filled with a real desire to do something about it--to start my own family and try with all my might to not let it crumble--something i wondered if i would ever feel. that desire for motherhood came, different for me than for every other mom as i hope it would be.

i think everyone comes to motherhood with a different purpose, and i'm grateful i feel a purpose even if i don't know the first thing about swaddling, breast pumps, or sleeping schedules. that purpose has helped me realize that i don't need to be "great...with child" already to mother in a way that is uniquely me, unlike anyone else mothers. i'm sure remembering that purpose will come in handy during the tenth diaper change of the wee hours of the night that is foreseeable in my very near future. and remembering that purpose makes me very excited.



life can sometimes be fast and sudden without warning. in the past three weeks:

devin fractured his ankle.
devin started a new job. 
we moved to provo. 
my parents now live in el salvador.
i had my last day at my job.
and less than a few days til this tyke arrives.

it feels like a tornado whizzed through our little drab life, leaving us both hobbling--literally-- around, doing our best to clean up the aftermath. i do finally feel a little calm, but that could just be the eye of the storm before this babe arrives:) hurrah for memories that are perfect "back when we were young we walked uphill both ways..." grandchildren stories.