wide open eyes

someone wise warned me that having a boy is like falling in love again. it's true. i could stare at those eyes all day.

i also wish i could memorize every wrinkle, roll, expression, and pose.

no pictures means no posts

for a little over 24 hours sometime last week we couldn't locate our camera charger.

our battery was dead, which meant no pictures until we found it. i think i almost went crazy because i couldn't bear the thought that i may miss documenting every day of cope's life. so silly. 

we found it, and are back in the business of frenzied picture snapping.

first few days of life

i feel like i'm finally living. this is what it is all about. i don't have the capacity to express what joy it is to have a fresh soul from God. mr. dickens said something of what i have been feeling the past few days:

I love these little people; and it is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us.

-Charles Dickens-

so cute when he crosses his eyes

i'm a mom. 

first car ride

we love our son

hates bathtime

skinny legs

nothing better than catching a smile.

7.21.2011

for now, i will let the pictures do the talking.

photos by my sister

pleased to meet you

Copeland David Killpack

born july 21 2011

7:46 p.m.

6 pounds 15 ounces

19.5 inches

big belly

for history's sake, here is this tummy in all it's splendor.

i don't have anything creative to write about because i don't have a baby here yet. maybe the next post will be better.

great... with child

yesterday while texting a friend, she asked how i was doing.
i said, "i'm doing great."
but i wanted to say, "i'm great...with child."

in popped mary to my mind, and i understood something more clearly.
in the scriptures when it says mary was great with child, i can better relate that she was probably 'great with child' meaning that child was getting big.
but maybe that phrase means that she was already 'great...with child.' maybe she was already really great with the fact that she was so near to being a mom. maybe she was already really great at mothering, like the mother of our Savior should be. i don't think this is making sense but it was an ah-ha moment for me.

i feel pretty great with child at the moment. like i could always use an extra breath, and my right rib longs to remember what it feels like to not have a little bottom pushing on it. it's nothing

but i don't know when i'll be great...with child. probably eternities away. mary was way ahead of her game.

mom and i about a month ago

i am so excited for this baby to come. in an honest way, i've never been the girl who dreamt about mothering all her life. i'm the youngest. kids like devin more than me. i dunno how to hold newborns. sometime last year i had a whirlwind moment again. my stable perception of family was being rocked and i  felt sick seeing the family crumbling on every side. i was filled with a real desire to do something about it--to start my own family and try with all my might to not let it crumble--something i wondered if i would ever feel. that desire for motherhood came, different for me than for every other mom as i hope it would be.

i think everyone comes to motherhood with a different purpose, and i'm grateful i feel a purpose even if i don't know the first thing about swaddling, breast pumps, or sleeping schedules. that purpose has helped me realize that i don't need to be "great...with child" already to mother in a way that is uniquely me, unlike anyone else mothers. i'm sure remembering that purpose will come in handy during the tenth diaper change of the wee hours of the night that is foreseeable in my very near future. and remembering that purpose makes me very excited.

whirlwind

life can sometimes be fast and sudden without warning. in the past three weeks:

devin fractured his ankle.
devin started a new job. 
we moved to provo. 
my parents now live in el salvador.
i had my last day at my job.
and less than a few days til this tyke arrives.

it feels like a tornado whizzed through our little drab life, leaving us both hobbling--literally-- around, doing our best to clean up the aftermath. i do finally feel a little calm, but that could just be the eye of the storm before this babe arrives:) hurrah for memories that are perfect "back when we were young we walked uphill both ways..." grandchildren stories. 

aren't all mothers beautiful?

here is a picture of my dazzling mother pregnant with unborn me:) i think she is simply ravishing in this picture. what makes a mother beautiful is all the things, seen and unseen, that she willingly does for her child. i know mothers go through much to have bring a little life into existence and to continue that life on after birth, and my mom was no exception. her heart almost gave out during my pregnancy. i don't think i've quite caught a glimpse of what it means to go through the valley of the shadow of death for someone else, especially when i consider how relatively easy my pregnancy has been compared to what i know others go through. i still can't thank her enough for doing that for me. every day she becomes more and more wise and more and more beautiful. in fact, as i near my own brink of motherhood, i think i could stare at this picture for hours and envision the billions of ways she's given of herself to further my livelihood. what shoes to fill.

oh and read this story someone shared with me because it made me smile.

The Middle Wife

I have been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
 
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and> talk about it, they are welcome.
 
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.  She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother and I am going to tell you about his birthday.
 
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella. She is standing there with her hands on the pillow and I am trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
 
Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.) My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she does not have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down
in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!) Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and 'breathe, breathe.
 
They started counting but never even got past ten then all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there. Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I am sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it is show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

my beloved parents

this year on my birthday i sat for a moment and cried. it was a milestone i proudly (yet barely) passed and my emotions ran high. 

today i feel the same emotions running high. it could be because devin just left for a week of scout camp, and i'm never as good without him. or it could be because i'm a hormonal woman with a baby brewing in me. but i think i know the real reason.

on july first my parents will move outside america for three years to serve their God and our church.

they have been called to serve as mission presidents in the el salvador, san salvador mission.

in every way i adore my parents.

as someone on the verge of becoming a parent, i adore them.

imagining leaving my unborn child for three years makes me adore them even more. 

knowing they would and will drop their entire lives at a moments notice when a prophet of God calls makes adore them even most.

they are the saints, scriptorians, and support i want someday to be. 

and they are here for a brief three weeks more. 

i'm one hundred percent certain that our lives will never be the same after this experience in the most positive way possible.